Cloud Atlas, or: Sitting in a movie theater by yourself

Cloud Atlas (2012)

Directed by Tom Twyker, Lana Wachowski,  and Andy Wachowski

***SPOILERS***

So Tuesday night, I found myself in a situation I have, until that day, unfortunately avoided. But oh what a glorious feeling: I finally had an empty theater all to myself. In addition to unbuckling my pants and doing some push-ups in the aisle, I decided to whip out the phone and text to my heart's content (I can text blindly, by the way). So I present to you: my very own Cloud Atlas.

The Cast:

CB: Your's truly, doing his damndest to text without taking his eyes off the screen.

Modig: Founder of Modigliani Movie Inquiries, and notable admirer of Cloud Atlas. And crime solver.

Shoelaces: A very confused young man without a filter. He's a bad influence on me.

Monster: The name says it all.

Short Stuff: She may be 23 years old and already have shingles, but she'll kick your ass.

The Show:

CB: Yup: officially by myself in this theater.

Modig: Nice!! When’s it start? I’m watching a clip of iCarly for this analysis and I’m laughing??

CB: LOL…nerd. And the movie has been going for about 45 minutes.

Modig: Oh, nice. Enjoying?

CB: Ha, ya? Don’t really know what’s going on yet.

Modig: Yeah, wait until hour 5, then things start coming together.

CB: By myself in a big, dark, empty movie theater.

Shoelaces: Awesome. Jack off to Chinese Tom Hanks.

CB: I was yankin’ it to Mexican Tom Hanks. But then Halle Berry popped up and it felt wrong.

Shoelaces: I wouldn’t even have to touch myself if I saw a Mexican Tom Hanks. But yeah, Halle Berry…way to ruin everything.

CB: It’s nice to have the freedom to fart in a theater.

Modig: You could take your pants clear off.

CB: Way ahead of you.

Modig: I’m watching Nic Cage act.

CB: It’s a glorious thing. Have you seen Face/Off?

Modig: WEEEEEEE WHAT A PREDICAMENT

CB: Is that a Nic Cage line? I prefer, “If I were to let you suck my tongue, would you be grateful?” And whoa, dude just got shot. About shit my pants.

Modig: Yeah, shit gets serious. Keep attention. And it’s actually a Travolta line. But…really…where is the line between those two?

CB: I’m doing my damndest, but these actors are changing faces at an alarming rate

Monster: Any of you cats hanging on Thanksgiving? My plans just got shot.

CB: Nopers. And I’m watching Cloud Atlas in a theater by myself, btw.

Monster: Well I guess CB is more depressing than me.

CB: I don’t know, I have the freedom to run some laps around this theater. It’s pretty fuckin’ awesome.

Monster: Hope you retain some brain cells.

CB. Well I’m not drinking or anything. And I have no idea what to think about this movie. I’m digging the Yellowface though. It’s a whole new brand of racism fit for the 21^st century.

Monster: Did you expect it to be enjoyable without alcohol?

CB: I’m enjoying it. It makes me feel one with the world. EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED.

Monster: Yep. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

Modig: Wow, maybe there’s more similarity between Face/Off and Cloud Atlas than we thought.

CB: Swapping identities and whatnot? Yeah maybe. Being bound to yourself regardless of a new identity. Is Cloud Atlas about art though? Like narrators and storytelling? The role of an author? I haven’t read the book.

Modig: Fuck the book. My friend told me it’s about the continuity of the human condition through storytelling. The movie gets at this. But it’s about how important our actions are. Their resonance.

CB: So…our actions transcend time. I get that. Put that idea through the grand scheme of history and those consequences are amplified tenfold. Alright got it! Headin’ home now.

CB: This actually reminds me a lot of Mysteries of Lisbon. A sprawling narrative all about the inevitability of our actions.

Modig: I’m sure Lisbon is a better film? The power of Cloud Atlas is from the genre variation.

CB: So how does the genre angle tie in with the “consequences of our actions” angle?

Modig: Um. That it doesn’t matter what the setting is? Well, oppression is a theme in all six stories in the film. In varied forms, but present all the same. So we’re seeing how, despite different time and settings, these negative aspects of humanity exist. And how in each of these times and settings/genres we need good, moral people to stand for what’s right. Switching up genres heightens this contrast. There’s probably something to be said extrapolating this to film form and how narrative structures can be the same despite changing genres, and it’s the genre shifts that help make these stories not feel all…the same.

CB: Sure. Connect the people, connect their actions, and show how human nature always transcends genre restrictions. Hot damn!

Modig: Hot damn indeed!

CB: Caveman Tom Hanks just popped up and I instantly came four times.

Shoelaces: So Cloud Atlas may be the greatest “accidental” dirty movie of all time. In the future they’ll have that scene from The Little Mermaid where the priest gets a boner and Cloud Atlas as examples where filmmakers sneak in their perverted agenda. And by sneak in, I mean show Tom Hanks’ sexy face.

CB: Tom Hanks’ entire filmography is up for grabs, then. Well, everything after Cast Away. I prefer the old, gritty Tom Hanks, who wouldn’t mess around with foreplay and get down to it. I feel like he could teach me some things.

Shoelaces: I guess. Call me old fashioned, but I could really go for Tom Hanks in Big. That childlike innocence. No something you can fake. All the benefits of having sex with a young boy, but totally legal.

CB: Yeah, that old fashioned pedophilia.

CB: I guess once that theme is set in place, it becomes how good the individual stories are.

Modig: They bored me until…like halfway through.

CB: Well they’re definitely hitting a strong point. But, like…sometimes these connections don’t make sense. Like connecting the two shootouts? Where the slave and Yoona-939 are running across the beams? I really don’t see the point or why those are connected. It’s just danger connecting them. I thought the idea was connecting human nature. Connecting actions. Connecting people. I guess I just don’t see how this does that? Connecting danger…just isn’t something I find all that interesting. It’s a chance to create an intense moment.

Modig: Well then yeah, that’s empty. Sort of. The idea…of repressing the slave? But it’s less than…powerful?

CB: Yeah, well I think that’s where it’s faltering. Seems like manipulation of the elements to me, which isn't an ideal way to connect genres. It’s just resorting to tropes. I find it a lot more intense when the actions are connecting.

Modig: Does it bother you that I have it ranked higher than Moonrise Kingdom? 

CB: No! I really am enjoying it. I admittedly didn’t think I’d like it. I think (so far) the good outweighs the bad.

Modig: I didn’t think I would like it either. The first hour bored me. The next hour won me over. The last portion made an admirer out of me.

CB: Well here comes the last hour…

Shoelaces: Also Woody. That’s a sex toy I could really get behind.

CB: I wondered why the stuffing from my Woody toy’s pants was everywhere.

Shoelaces: Dude, just look at the name of the damn thing. Don’t call something “Woody” and get mad when I fuck it.

CB: I’m not mad! Just upset you didn’t invite me.

Modig: What’s going on right now?

CB: My head is spinning. The British comedy portion is awesome. And Tom Hanks is being funny.

Modig: I didn’t like Tom Hanks until this movie.

CB: Yeah, he’s done shitty, condescending movies in his time.

Modig: I hate Cast Away. And I hate Forrest Gump.

CB: Yup. The first two movies that jumped in my head. I enjoy Cast Away until it spirals at the end.

Modig: Charlie Wilson’s War was just…strange.

CB: I don’t even fucking remember that movie. Aaron Sorkin is either an awesome or horrible writer.

Modig: He wrote that?

CB: Yeah, and Mike Nichols directed it. And he’s done some awesome movies.

Modig: Wait, what???? He made Charlie Wilson’s War. That’s…I’m confused.

CB: Yeah it’s kinda weird. I’m actually surprised Twyker made Cloud Atlas.

Modig: Why?

CB: Run Lola Run I guess? From that to this? I can see the Wachowskis doing this. It’s sprawling and fearless. I’ve always felt Twyker was much more contained.

Modig: Did you see Perfume: The Story of a Murderer?

CB: Wow…did he do that? That movie is insane.

Modig: Yup! I see that influencing the 1930s story. And then Lola influencing the British story.

CB: Well you got me on that one.

CB: Whoa. 80-year-old Hugh Jackman is pretty arousing as well. My goal is to blow my load more time than there are characters in this movie.

Shoelaces: Judging by the trailer you would have to jack off every few seconds. You’d have to have more semen than blood.

CB: I fell a little behind because I had to take a bathroom break.

Shoelaces: Damn, just assume they introduced six characters while you were gone.

CB: Tom Hanks just sliced someone’s throat and I passed out. And shot another with a crossbow. I’m outta here.

CB: As I was leaving, some guy complimented my jacket. Then as I was walking away, he said to his girlfriend, “that was a nice jacket!” And in the bitchiest way possible, she loudly responded, “No, it wasn’t.”

Short Stuff: You should’ve turned and said, “Sorry your girlfriend’s a cunt,” then walked away.

CB: Damn, I’m gonna start bringing Short Stuff everywhere I go to deal with awkward encounters.

Monster: You’re just gonna end up in a fight that way. But if you decide to do that, invite me. It should be entertaining.

Short Stuff: I can’t deal with bitches. They ain’t nothin’ but tricks and hoes.

CB: Cloud Atlas can’t even make me understand the human race.

Modig: Is it over?

CB: Yeah my phone died, sorry! Just got home.

Modig: Oh. Final thoughts?

CB: I liked it. It might have been a bit preachy, but it’s a spiritual movie so that can be expected. I mean, I’m intrigued by everything we’ve mentioned. The movie was going for more than I expected. I guess…I’ve just seen it done better? I don’t need a bunch of characters talking about “how we’re all connected” when it’s so obvious? Although that aspect isn’t a big deal. It’s just hard to digest when you’re being spoonfed. It’s easier and much more rewarding (for me, anyway) when a movie like Mysteries of Lisbon isn’t calling attention to itself. I felt the power and alienation of people being lost in the shuffle of stories. But Cloud Atlas is a lot more hopeful than that, hence the hug-yourself moments at the end. I found the bombastic score, sweeping camera movements, and grand statements to be perfectly in line with such a sprawling idea. It’s extremely hit-or-miss for me because I can’t decide if this movie would have benefited from being way longer or cut down. Regardless, I’m not one to judge the filmmakers for going for it all. I wish more filmmakers would embrace their visions so much.

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