A Wu-Tang-style rap battle in honor of The Man with the Iron Fists

Tyrannosaurus Chris (Modigliani Movie Inquiries)

Oh hey, R.Z.A.

got yourself a director's chair, okay

and that's you dead-faced before a fire

oh

look,

you're also named as a writer

Uh,

so,

Rizza,

it's you I gotta thank

for these plot points dredged from the bottom of the think tank

you teased with commercials full of kung-fu

but what do you do?

stop-motion intro, one fight in an inn

a street beat down then 50 minutes worth of exposition

at least there r plenty'a shots of hot asian ladies

but even that can't keep me from feeling like a prisona

in this cinema

uh

I'm a prisona

in this cinema

uh

I'm a prisona

in this cinema

uh

Even the bear jew couldn't help you

what did you guys do?

sit in a room

two thoughtful dudes

figuring out a final fight

Oh how about this

Brass Body be like

"I'mma throw you into a pilla

I'mma throw you through a table

I'mma throw you against a wall

Oh shit!  You can't stop this

I'm gonna throw ya summer through fall,

over rudolph and SMASH into the Time Square ball"

then my character

(this is Rizza talking now)

is like

"I remember shit from my past and it clicks

OHHHHH

watch me go Lion-OHHHHH

all Thundercat crazy

wow'in out on the chi flow

breaking brass body down like chemo

oh and yee know

when we think the row is over

it not

I get real angry due to a memory

and launch one fi-nal, ul-ti-mate pop"

and the bear jew is like

dude

and RZA like

dude

and together you both say

this is hot

I'm a prisona

in this cinema

uh

I'm a prisona

in this cinema

uh

I'm a prisona

in this cinema

uh

I give ya points for knocking heads off

but being left for dead with ya arms lopped off

ya like a Robocop knock off

don't forget ya forcing backstory at the end of the story

hasn't anyone ever taught you

ass to mouth is wrooooong

and why the fuck did Cung Lee kill Lucy Liu with a fan to the back why she tryin to save a child

does she care about children?

is this her redemption?

could you think of no other, no cooler direction?

Did you ask Tarantino for his opinion?

Anyone?

On this scene, on this script?

Did you even edit for effect?

Tarantino is too polite,

you should have asked Reddit.

I'mma pris--oh, hey, look, it's the credits!

See ya, Rizza

::drops mic::

Travi$$ (Cinema Beans)

::picks up mic, wipes off thick layer of slobber::

Well I’ll admit: that was cute

Tyrannosaurus Chris

But I prefer you to be astute

In your film analysis

I sought an elegant spar

Instead you chompin’ at the bit

But RZA’s razor sharp

And he slicin’ up your shit

Now you stated the obvious

No need to bring it up again

No need to point out RZA ain’t no Ingmar fuckin’ Bergman

Instead he the sharpest motherfucka in the whole Clan

He the keenest motherfucka in a genre gone bad

Choosin’ the imagery

Choosin’ the artistry

Choosin’ the fury over plot points and chemistry

Choosin’ the fury over rims, hoes, and hennessey

Cuz the Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig Allah

Is a born samurai—voilà!

Choppin’ up your points and cookin’ up a wreck

He goin’ for the jugular—boy, ya best Protect Ya Neck

Cuz you confined to that seat

In this here cinema

And for just a measly $6.50

I don’t mind being a prisona

in this cinema

uh

I'm a prisona

in this cinema

uh

I'm a prisona

in this cinema

uh

Now Batista got a Brass Body

But RZA got brass balls

For approaching an idea

That could bring down the walls

Cuz there’s a swarm of Killa Bees

Flyin’ harder than Niagra Falls

For Man with the Iron Fists

Is really just a story

And for the Wu-Tang Clan

It’s more an allegory

Puttin’ on display: the raddest hip hop group glory

We got Crowe as Jackknife

Who the Ol’ Dirty Bastard

Father of the Clan

And brandishin’ a spur

Whippin’ out a knife

And pocketin’ an Oscar

From Gladiator to da Chef

Raekwon is made of brass

Cookin’ up some Jidaigeki shit

Built 4 some Low Fantasy grit

With RZA controlling da Cuban Linx

IN DA BACK

The duo’s back for Part III and they

ON THE ATTACK

Then there’s swift Madam Blossom

Now you see her, now you don’t

Cuz here we got a Killah

In the form of a ghost

First it’s a paper fan

And then it’s a weapon

Put you in a Cobra Clutch

If you even think of steppin’

And finally there’s RZA

Who needs no introduction

He pullin’ all the strings

For this Tarantino production

While he was slicin’ up ingredients

For this personification

You were pickin’ the lock to your cuffs

And too busy complain’:

I'm a prisona

in this cinema

uh

I'm a prisona

in this cinema

uh

I'm a prisona

in this cinema

uh

Now I’ll admit I was pumped

Saw the trailer back in August

Along with the limp-dicked Argo

And the sprawling Cloud Atlas

And RZA was just having fun

Livin’ out his Kung Fu dream

Childhood memories of Chang-hwa Jeong

And Spaghetti Westerns it would seem

Not worrying about the critics who would tear apart his vision

Since they too busy snoozin’ to realize what he envisions:

A film free of snobbery

A film full of flash

Slashin’ right and then left and and then cleanin’ up yo trash

Cuz you’re too consumed with Tarantino and his elegant ways

To recognize a gritty new filmmaker who deserves his own praise

For the art of redemption don’t need a Lucy Liu embellishment

And the satire ain’t blockheaded like a RoboCop supplement

And you wish the Thundercats wish they could be this gory

For RZA’s observations is more a memento mori:

A study in death

A study in mortality

Cuz once you free from those chains?

He gonna rip off your head—

FATALITY